Tough Parenting..

Letter to the Father of my child,

        I laid in my Son's bed tonight consoling him as he lay there hurt and crying. I have done this from time to time in the past for reasons like a disagreement with a friend at school or even disappointment from not making the basketball team but none come close to the pain like tonight. See our Son the boy with the red hair,  blueish green eyes and a huge heart is pretty amazing and very smart. He knows when he is being deceived, for he has seen it time and time again from you the one he calls Dad.
       I am not close to a perfect parent by any means, I have said things out of frustration, unintentionally broken a promise, or even forgot something of significance, but I am Mom and I will always do everything in my power for my Son to know that he is loved and my number one even if I slip up. Tonight for the first time I looked into my sons tear-filled eyes and heard him ask me a question I hoped he never would..Why does my Dad not love me enough to be here? My heart shattered as my Son asked me this. A question no child should ever have to feel or ask. See normally I would make excuses for you, cover the hurt with stories so that he wont lose faith in the one Dad he has. Tonight I had no answers..no stories..no excuses on why you weren't here to tuck him into bed like you have promised for the last two nights.
       First it was sadness, with the question on why didn't he show up? Then it was anger, with the next question doesn't he know lying is bad? Then its was hurt, with the question why doesn't he love me enough? All our Son wants from you is to be chosen first, before your girlfriend and her child, before hunting/fishing, before softball. Oddly enough I knew that feeling all to well from our short marriage but I always prayed that if not for me than for him you may want to be a better man. That our Son your own flesh and blood may make you want to change. The one person who even after the hurt and disappointment will look to you for love, guidance, and acceptance.
       Tonight I will pick up the pieces and put our Son's heart back together. Reminding him that no matter what his Mommy and Daddy love him to the moon and back, so that he will not lose faith, that he will learn to be forgiving, and that he will know what not to do when he has a son of his own. because that is what parents do. We fix the boo boos. These are life lesson learned too soon for our little one. My wish for you is that God may open your eyes to this hurt and guide you to better choices. If not for your own benefit, then for our little red headed, blueish green eyed Son with a heart of gold who would do anything for his Dad.

From, The Heartbroken Mother

https://youtu.be/-4NS7gChzvk

I Lost A Friend Today...

I lost a friend today...

Not to moving to another state or some disease or even death but because I fell in love. 

I know your think what?!? 

I lost my best friend today because I fell in love with him. See the thing they don't tell you about falling in love with your best friend is that it only works if you both feel the same otherwise your friendship is doomed. Well here I am laying in bed c,rying unsure how these last 4 years I went from a scorned ex wife who only wanted a friend with benefits to falling in love with the guy everyone thinks is an asshole. And I don't just mean puppy love either. Its the kind that you look at him and smile stupidly for no reason but at the same time want to throttle him because for the umpteenth time has forgot a conversation you two have had. I loved everything about this man even if nobody understood or agreed I was willing to walk through fire for him. I am so thankful to him for all that he has taught me and the memories he has given me. Even if in the end we couldn't agree or see eye to eye I have never loved anyone in my life the way I loved him. I knew I could always count on him. Now I pray to God to heal my broken heart for it is broken beyond repair tonight for not just losing my best friend but the guy I hoped to plan my future with...the one I hoped to spend my 30th with in Europe.. The one I wanted to learn to ride along side with.. The one I wanted to run a business with.. And hike mountains with. Plans and dreams that will never happen no matter how hard I tried to put my feelings aside and I promise I did try. 

Today I lost my love...my best friend.

 

                          

                                   

Til Next Time..

Whitney <3

  

The meaning of a Warr;or

Good Morning,

  I hope you all have had your morning cup of coffee by now. If so I am jealous because I am on day 5 of no coffee and no soda pop. Crazy I know but I need to get healthy and spend less money on something not nourishing my body. I have actually been working on this post since Wednesday but since it is such a sensitive and important subject to my life right now I have read, and reread it over, and over editing it and changing it. I have been worried about what my friends and family will think. I am now here looking at it again on Saturday morning and after a long prayer I have decided it is time to post it. So here goes nothing.. 

October 25th, 2015

My whole life changed in that one day..
                                             One moment...One Decision... 

  I wish I could tell you all what I was feeling but I wouldn't wish it upon anyone to try to understand that dark of a place. I wish I could tell you what I was thinking but then again I wouldn't want anyone to feel the "crazy" I felt in my thoughts. I don't want to get stuck in the bad details but I feel it is only fair to start from the moment God took back over my life. The ride (all alone) in the ambulance to the hospital was the longest, darkest moment in my life. Not only was I regretting the decision I made but feared the days to come and conversations that were going to take place if I made it through. I may have been unconscious but my head was still spinning and thoughts were still so loud but now they were of hope and fear. My story did not end and I have chosen to start fighting to live my life. A great, beautiful and fulfilling life. I have chosen to be a Warr;or. No I didn't spell warrior wrong I meant to spell it with a semicolon. For those of you who may be unaware and/or living under a rock all of 2015. There is this website called; projectsemicolon.org and it has been one of my biggest supports for hope. 

Here is their vision, please read it and tell me how can you not support something as great as this: 

MISSION STATEMENT

PROJECT SEMICOLON IS A GLOBAL NON-PROFIT MOVEMENT DEDICATED TO PRESENTING HOPE AND LOVE FOR THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS, SUICIDE, ADDICTION AND SELF-INJURY. PROJECT SEMICOLON EXISTS TO ENCOURAGE, LOVE AND INSPIRE. 

VISION 

The vision is that together we can achieve lower suicide rates in the US and around the world; 

That together we can start a conversation about suicide, mental illness and addiction that can't be stopped;

We envision love and hope and we declare that hope is alive;

We envision a society that openly addresses the struggle with mental illness, suicide and addiction; 

We envision a conversation embraced by churches and addressed with love;

We envision a society that sees their value and embraces it; 

We envision a community that comes together and stands together in support of one another;

We envision a world where an escape is not found within drugs or alcohol;

We envision a world where self-destruction is no longer a escape to be used;

We envision a revolution of LOVE and declare that our stories are not over yet;

- Amy Bleuel

Founder & President 

  I don't know about you but that vision gives me chills and makes me tear up. This is what I am hoping for not just in my circle of friends and family but to anyone around us. We can and should want to be the change. Please help end the stigma of mental health and have a conversation even if it is hard. A hard conversation now is better than losing the opportunity to ever has a conversation with that person again. This post is to plead with anyone willing to read my blog to be aware of changes in your loved ones and love them unconditionally for we do not know the battle they are fighting within themselves but never be afraid to have that hard uncomfortable conversation. If anyone needs help with how to start that conversation or of resources to know more about mental health and suicide; I have posted a few that I have turned to and please always feel free to message me. 

This video above is so powerful!

Until Next Time..
     Whitney <3

Believe in yourself and your worth

Dare to have dreams and be brave enough to accomplish them!

Here is a post of motivational videos, music, and quotes, 

that I choose to use to remind and motive me towards my journey.

 

                                 

  

 

 

 

 

Until next time..

      Whitney <3

 

Snowstorm of 2016..we will rebuild!

  Haha sorry I couldn't help myself. :p It is funny to me that in a place like Oregon that we are not better equipped for these icy conditions. That is all I am going to say about the GIANT snow/ice storm of 2016. Lol This morning before work (since I was the only one to show up) I was reflecting on my goals/resolutions for 2016. I have to admit to you that I am one of those organized mess kind of people. With that being said I am also one of those people who make goals and/or resolutions and don't normally keep them. Not because I don't want to but more or less because I get distracted with another passion/project. I mentioned in my very first post here though that this year they are more than just goals/resolutions. They are changing habits so that I can grow into who I want to be for my son and I, they are my life aspirations. Here are a few but no judging okay?! 
Whitney's 2016 Aspirations: 

1. Find my faith again; attending a church I enjoy, opening up my bible more, pray with a purpose. 

2. Get lost in reading; read at least one book a month, read with Connor, maybe start a Facebook book club. 

3. Enjoy more girl time; attend/host paint nights, get back into my MK business, plan a girls weekend trip, attend more happy hours. 

4. Express my artistic side; get lost in color/drawing, attend more paint classes, finish Connor's baby scrapbook (be less of a perfectionist). 

5. Keep working towards my recovery; attend NAMI once or twice a month, work on my workbooks, open up and use my toolbox/binder. 

6. Love myself; Start a consistent workout, portion/eat better, take pride in my appearance. 

7. Money; Buy a new reliable car, take Connor to Disneyland. 



Whitney's Long-term Aspirations: 

1. Live a fulfilling life I can look in the mirror and be proud of; have meaningful relationships, be honest and open, love the Lord. 

2. Work on credit; pay off debts/collections, budget and pay bills on time. 

3. Buy a home for Connor and I by the time I am 30. 

4. Travel to Europe with my best friend. 

5. Attend/complete schooling for ICD-10 coding. 

6. Get to a healthy size 10/12. 

7. One day find love again in the midst of life. 

Okay I know not all of them may come true but I know that having them written down and being held accountable is the first steps to changing my life as we know it. Baby steps to my lifetime goals because I want to make them habits. What are your goals, dreams, aspirations? No, not resolutions that you'll break by March but truest of heart desires for yourself. Can I help you to achieve them? Can we help each other achieve them? I hope so. So here is to 2016 and building new habits and achieving life aspirations!  

      

                        

Til next time..    

   Whitney <3

Welcoming 2016

It is officially 2016!!

  I don't know about you but I am sure happy to say goodbye to 2015 and leave it in the past where it belongs. This is the start of a new chapter in my life and a newer more improved ME. I know, I know what you are thinking..they all say that. New year = New years resolution but then by March we have all grown tired of the diets and exercise, or not drinking/smoking, or even trying to save extra money by budgeting. Not this time, not for me, for me it's much bigger than a resolution. 2016 will be about me finding the true meaning of who Whitney is. What makes her happy? What makes her tick? It is a road to recovery for me from mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with anxiety in September 2015. Not much time later I was being hospitalized after a suicide attempt. No one could understand "why" and I honestly don't think anyone will ever fully be able to understand "why". What I do know now after months of Doctor visits that a major factor for me was an undiagnosed dormant bipolar disorder gene that was stimulated by my antidepressants. Learning this was difficult for many reasons but the most disheartening for me was that the stigma that goes along with mental illness had affected my family. Affected them so much that they had never really talked about their mental health diagnosis. I could have lost my life because my family did not feel comfortable enough to be honest about who they are and the struggles they are facing in life. Well luckily God made me a loud and proud kind of girl who is always happy to share my life struggles and achievements if it means helping someone else be more comfortable in their own skin and face their own struggles. Who knows maybe even learn from my bumpy path. God made us all perfectly imperfect, to live the best life we can with the cards that have been dealt. Even if that means playing a little GoFish along the way to get the hand just right. So this is my blog it is about me, my life, my achievements, and my struggles. I am 27, a Daughter, a Sister, a Best friend, and so many more titles but the most important is; I am a single, God loving, Mother who struggles with mental health, weight, and relationships but I know with God by my side 2016 will be a great year! Hope you enjoy my blog..my journey to finding me.

      

Till next time..

         Whitney